Me as a Mommy - Part 2

Why there won’t be a number 3…. yet

Posted on April 24, 2012 by measamommy

When I was little, I wanted 7 children. I had grand plans to name them each day of the week, and my imaginary friend (Lurky) and I would play with them every single day and it would be great fun because what little girl doesn’t love having 7 real life dolls to boss around and dress up and have at her beck and call?? That’s what I thought parenting would be. When you’re finished laughing at me, I’ll continue. It’s ok. I’m not offended. I laugh at myself too.

A and I have got two amazingly awesome, incredibly cute children. We’ve been fortunate enough to have no problems getting pregnant, and both have been carried full term with zero *serious* complications. Though there were some problems getting my kids to come out, I recovered from both sections quickly and my doctors have told me I heal incredibly well. We both want more. It’s hard not to when your kids are as incredible as ours. But here’s the thing. I WANT MY BODY BACK. For over 3 years my body has been a slave to my children in one way or another. In October of 2008 I got pregnant with Mason. Since then, I’ve been pregnant or nursing – either way, I have to stay conscious of what I eat and drink because my child will be on the receiving end as well. I have no problem with it – it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. But it’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make forever.

I want my body back to myself. I want to look and feel like me, and I want to do it for awhile. If we’re going to have any other children, I want to either do it now, and get it all over with so I can have my body back in a couple years and be done… or I want to wait. I want to get my body back now and then sacrifice it again in a few years when we decide to have another baby. Another thing that comes into consideration (at least for me) is the kids’ ages. Mason and Audrey are 18 months apart. I love the relationship they have. I love that they play together and are growing up together. The last thing I want is for their younger sibling to always feel left out… so I want another one NOW, or 2 more in a few years (after having my body to myself for a bit). I want another one that can play with my two… or two that can play together and grow up the way Mason and Audrey are growing up together. I think I can say pretty confidently that A and I both want another baby. NOW. I look at some of my pregnant friends… or ones that have little babies (who are growing way too quickly) and baby fever hits HARD. But it’s not going to happen. And here’s why.

When A and I moved down to South Carolina we made some serious changes in our lifestyle. The group insurance offered through A’s new job was less than impressive. Though it was “free” it didn’t cover many of the costs if something big happened. Which scared us. We’re getting better, but we are NOT good at saving money. If something big happened we were scared of what it would mean. Of how we would pay the medical bills. And so, to be safe, we instead opted to go for private insurance and factored in the costs into his salary. It all seemed like a great plan.

We moved down, and have been happy with our insurance. And then we started talking about baby 3. Turns out in South Carolina private insurance isn’t required to cover pre-natal OR childbirth costs… and almost all of them don’t; ours included. That’s right folks, if we were to get pregnant now, we’d have to pay for all of my prenatal visits, and the delivery out of pocket. Which may not be a big deal if I were planning a homebirth or wanted to go to a birth center. Problem is, I’ve had 2 sections. A homebirth or VBAC at a birthing center just isn’t something I’m up for… so paying out of pocket just isn’t something we’re ready to do.

We’ve called around to many different private insurances to see if any of them cover childbirth, and can’t find one that will. But here’s what really makes us angry… If we didn’t make as much? Medicaid would cover everything. Because we can afford to pay for insurance, we can’t afford to have a baby. But were we unable to pay for our own insurance, we could have as many kids as we wanted completely free of charge. Want to know how much that hurts?? A LOT.

And so, despite us both being ready for a third. Despite us wanting more kids… don’t expect an announcement anytime soon. Because there are some big changes that need to happen before we can think baby again. Looks like I’ll be getting my body back to myself sooner rather than later….

Posted in OMGWTF, pregnancy, random thoughts, rant | 4 Comments

Why I write

Posted on April 23, 2012 by measamommy

I’ve been feeling pretty uninspired lately. I have a backlog a mile long of reviews, sponsored posts, and the like that I need to write. I have two kids that are changing and growing everyday and I sometimes forget why I even started this blog. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in page views and stats and readership numbers.

This past weekend I started reading published novels of two bloggers I truly admire. Jenny Lawless (or the Blogess as she’s known online) and Jill Smokler (aka Scary Mommy) both released books this month. Like real, live, printed on paper, found them in Barnes and Noble books. Each time I pick one up to read I feel like I hop on-board a roller coaster of emotions. I’m happy for Jenny and Jill. I’m proud of the work they did and how far they’ve come. It’s inspiring to see what COULD happen for me. It’s incredible to know that people care what these two have to say. People in real life… not just on the Internet want to read their stories.

But then I read their stories. Stories that I have too. Stories about how toddlers go from super awesome to super annoying and irritating in record time. Stories about the embarrassment that you feel when you walk through the mall with poop on your shirt because your baby had a blowout and you didn’t think to bring an extra change of clothes for YOURSELF. Stories about how despite your very best intentions your child’s birthday party was STILL a miserable disaster. Stories just about every mom has. Stories we all share. But I find myself laughing at the way they tell the stories. I find myself envious of their writing voice and the humor they inject into the same stories I could tell.

If/when I tell those stories they just aren’t as funny. I don’t have the masses commenting on my blog. I don’t have other sites asking to syndicate me. I don’t have any of that. I just have me, my kids, and my readers. It’s hard not to get down about how relatively un-popular I am. It’s hard to remember that when I started blogging I started for myself. I started my blog as a hobby. Not as a career. I started for fun. I kept it going because my family loved the ability to stalk my family and children without being creepy. They loved the stories and pictures I shared, and I loved sharing with them. As my blog grew in popularity I started getting some other perks. And those perks turned into expectations. I turned those perks into requirements for myself. Now if I don’t make a certain amount of money each month, or if I don’t get a certain number of pageivews I feel like a failure. But that’s not why I started writing. That’s not what I want this blog to be. I don’t want to have certain requirements. This blog isn’t my job. It’s my hobby. And I need to remember that.

Though it wouldn’t hurt if I could figure out a way to be more funny.

Posted in random thoughts | 8 Comments

I Rocked the Dress

Posted on April 21, 2012 by measamommy

I’ve sorta got a thing for pictures. I think everyone knows that if you’ve read my blog…. oh ya know… EVER. So when I found out my neighbors are some of Charleston’s hottest photographers, I knew my wallet was in trouble. Last summer, I hired them to do a photo shoot of me and the kids – a mommy baby session. The kids were less than cooperative but they still managed to get some amazing shots.

oh hey. I'm 10.

During that last picture, someone remarked it was like a baby version of trash the dress. My eyes lit up. Trash the dress is something I’ve been dreaming about since before I even had a wedding dress picked out. I just think the pictures are so stunning. So when it came up I pretty much attacked them “YOU DO TRASH THE DRESS?!!?!” And as it turns out, they’d been searching for a model to do a trash the dress with them to build their portfolio. It’s like we were a match made in heaven. And so, a few weeks ago we headed out and “trashed my dress.” Except it didn’t trash it at all. It actually FIXED my dress. When A and I got married we focused on having fun at our wedding and reception. After the reception, we joined our friends and went to a local bar. Thing is, we didn’t waste time changing. He went in his tux, and I went in my wedding dress. When the night was over, I had about an inch of dark black slime at the bottom of my dress. Slime that no dry cleaner was willing to touch. But that slime? Is gone now. Apparently ocean water is just what the slime needed to lift right out. So rather than titling this photo session “Trash the Dress” we decided to call it “Rock the Dress” because that? Is exactly what we did.

If it looks a little like I'm getting blown away... that's because I was. LITERALLY. My veil is SUPER long, and this picture isn't fake. The wind picked up my veil and tried to rip it off my head, so they told me to smile and started snapping.

I had so much fun. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to my amazing photographers (and neighbors!) from Events in Focus Photography. If you live in Charleston or nearby, I’d highly recommend their services. It’s not often that I get in front of the camera, and they made me feel so comfortable and caught some prettiness I didn’t even know was hiding in me

Posted in awesome friends, cutest kid, excitement, Famous! | 3 Comments

Fun in Fluff

Posted on April 19, 2012 by measamommy

As you probably know, I sorta have a thing for tutus. I’ve tried making my own (which turns out OK), and I’ve bought more than my husband can count. So when Lil’ Tulips started carrying a new product – created by none other than my Lil’ Tulips co-worker – I jumped at the chance to have Audrey be their model… and for me to write a review. Let’s just say I was not disappointed with the cute factor. I’m going to let the pictures do most of the talking… then I’ll just point out a few of my favorite features.

So you can easily see how cute and fluffy these are. What might not be apparent is that I designed it. With Angela Marie tutus, you can pick your own colors (up to 3!) so you end up with a tutu that’s all your own! Not feeling especially inspired? Angie also provides some stock tutus to choose from. The waistband is stretchy, but the elastic is covered in ribbon – a special touch that makes it look a billion times better. I love this tutu. I’ve only had it for a couple weeks, and I’ve already put Audrey in it a few times – I love the way it looks, and can’t wait for a special occasion for her to wear it!!

Need a super cute tutu for your little lady? Angie has decided to give 15% off to my readers through April 30th!! Use the code “measamommy15″ at checkout on Angela Marie Tutu’s!

Posted in cutest kid, reviews | Leave a comment

Mr. Sass

Posted on April 18, 2012 by measamommy

Lately, Mason has been saying things that have me rolling on the floor in laughter. He kills me. I don’t want to forget any of them… and so while this post might not make you laugh as much as it will make me, here it is anyway…

At the furniture store, he brought me over to a bunk bed “Mom, come into my office. We need to have a serious conversation. This bed will be mine. It will come home with us.”

Today when I told him he needed to clean up “You need to give me one minute. I’ve got work to do.”

While reading our book about dogs – it’s a lift the flap book. There’s a part that says “All dogs poop, all dogs…” then you pull the tab, a dog’s leg goes up and it says “pee!” I was reading him the book, I paused and pulled the leg up; rather than saying “pee!!!” Mason said “all dogs lift our legs up in the air!” and lifted his leg as well.

With any change – a full belly, a change in temperature, a room change, an outfit change…. you get the point. ANY CHANGE “Ooooooh Mom. I feel much better now.”

When playing in his kitchen “uh oh mom! I burned some food! Now the smoke detector is gonna get loud” (shut up. my cooking isn’t that bad.)

When asked what he did at school today “we put on chickens and went to the park.” You can imagine my confusion… upon inspection of his backpack I found a paper chicken mask.

At bedtime – “Goodnight Dad. I hope you have good dreams. I’m dreaming about my school.”

Posted in toddlers | 5 Comments

Sharing my pictures with Burst

Posted on April 16, 2012 by measamommy

A few weeks after Mason was born I went to the mall with one of my friends and her new baby. We walked around with our fancy new strollers and our tiny little infants and felt like the cat’s meow. We both had the same stroller and marveled at how easily it steered and how many convenient places it had for us to store our cell phones. The only problem we ran into that day is that when I went to pack up my stroller, I completely forgot I had stashed my phone in one of the many compartments. I folded the stroller and heard something hit the ground, but a quick glance around and I didn’t see anything so off I went. It wasn’t until I got home a half hour later that I realized my cell was gone. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. I’d had the phone for awhile, and was due for an upgrade anyway… but what disappointed me the most was that I had pictures of Mason… pictures from the hospital, from that day, from the first 3 weeks of his life and they were all gone. I’d never be able to get those pictures back; and it broke my heart.

Burst is a application on your phone that links all your pictures to an online storage site. It makes it so that if (when if you’re like me!) you lose your phone, those precious pictures and videos don’t disappear. Instead, you just lose the phone itself and your memories and keepsakes are stored on the web.

Burst is easy to use, just open the app and start shooting pictures or recording video from your phone. Each new video or photo creates a moment, which once connected to wifi will automatically upload to the site. You can go in through your phone or online later to add details about the “moment” or to view your pictures and video. You can also share your moments – so if you get your friends or family to sign up for Burst, you can quickly send videos of the kids, pets, or each other to your Burst friends.

Burst is still fairly new, so I’m confident the service will only get better as it continues. One major feature I think it’s currently lacking is the ability to upload old pictures that weren’t taken within the application. I’d love to be able to add some of my older pictures and videos that I took before downloading Burst, just so I’d have everything in one place.

Edited on 4/18/12: There was an update for Burst yesterday. Guess what it added?? The ability to add old pictures and videos! Whoo hoo!!

Here’s just one of the videos we’ve recorded into moments. Sorry for the poor lighting… we had JUST woken up and were headed to Mom Rom and Pop Pop’s that night. Mason woke up and immediately started telling me it was time to go, so I thought it would be fun to record a quick video and send it over to my parents. What’s interesting is that when viewed on my phone (or my parents’ phones) the lighting is much better than when viewed through the Burst site. Regardless, the audio is what I wanted to record, and that came through just fine!

On our way to see Mom Rom and Pop Pop

Since the video wasn’t the same quality online I also shared some pictures, and I’m happy to say those turned out just fine – the same quality copied over to my storage space as what was left on my phone.

One lucky reader is going to get a lifetime unlimited storage plan (just like mine!) for free!! This storage plan is valued at $60/year. Just use the easy Rafflecopter form below to enter

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Posted in giveaway, reviews | 7 Comments

Kia Rio – compact in size, but not features

Posted on April 15, 2012 by measamommy

A week ago, we went up to Baltimore to celebrate Easter with my family. While trips to Baltimore are almost always fun, they are often accompanied by a lot of stress, the need to for planning, and shuffling carseats between cars since we have to accept rides from whomever can give us one. This last time, we were given the opportunity to test drive a Kia Rio for the duration of our trip. To say it was a blessing is an understatement.

The Rio is a compact car – certainly not ideal for a family with two kids in carseats. That said, I knew going into the trip we’d be cramped. I knew a Rio wouldn’t be the ideal vehicle for our family… but I also knew it would be far more “do-able” than not having a car at all. We were cramped. For sure. But we were a heck of a lot less cramped than I had anticipated. As I’m sure everyone can imagine, having 2 carseats crammed into the back of a compact car doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Since Audrey is still rear facing, the passenger seat had to be pulled up pretty far and so riding shotgun was a pretty tight squeeze (though not as tight as we thought it would be!)

The size was one of very few things I didn’t like about the Rio. The rest of the list was pretty silly – my main complaint being the fact that the horn sounds like it belongs on Mason’s tricycle. I rarely honk my horn – when I do, it’s because I’m REALLY angry at someone on the road. When I DO honk my horn, I want the person I’m honking at to be ashamed. I feel like if I had needed to honk the Rio’s horn the only one ashamed of anything would’ve been me. The Kia had a few other features that I wasn’t too fond of, nothing that would turn me off from the car if I was in the market for a compact car, but stuff I felt was mildly annoying. I apologize in advance for how unofficial these sound. I’m not a car person, and have never claimed to be one, so I’m going to try my best to explain what I’m talking about without writing (more) of a novel, or making up too many words of my own (though there will be quite a few). On most cars, you can adjust the uprightness of the seat. The Rio had two handles on the side of the seat and it took me awhile to figure it out. The handle I kept grabbing would essentially pump the seat up higher (I have no idea how you’re supposed to make it go lower) in the car. Which might be fantastic… if it’s something you’re trying to do; but when you’re trying to keep yourself from feeling like you’re laying down while you drive, it’s frustrating to grab for the handle and feel your entire seat start to rise rather than what you want it to do. The only other complaint I have about the Kia (and yes I realize how ridiculous this sounds!) is that it was equipped with side mirrors that would fold in with the push of a button. Obviously my issues with this could easily be solved by just not ever pushing the button, and never having them fold in (they were automatic), but I was with my darling husband who is absolutely obsessed with cars and features and loved that they would fold in. The Rio is already a compact car… I just can’t understand why Kia would think it needed to be made even more compact by folding in mirrors, and I just found it to be a silly addition.

Ok, now onto what I DID like… the list is much longer, and almost as silly. Very few of the items on this list are anything where you’d think “this is why I need to buy this car.” They are features that you wouldn’t notice during a test drive with the dealer. Instead, they are features that once you find out the Rio has them, you get back home and realize you don’t have them, and you just feel a little shortchanged. Silly? Maybe, but all things I noticed, appreciated, and now miss.

Lane change blinkers – by just tapping the turn signal rather than pushing it all the way, the blinker will flash three times and turn off automatically. Perfect for lane changes or softer turns where your blinker might not turn off automatically.
The noise of the blinkers – it was soft, but official. You could hear the blinker was on, but it wasn’t a noise you’d be sitting at a red light wishing you could pound your face into the windshield because the sound of the blinker is just irritating you (or maybe it’s just me that gets irritated by blinker noises?).
The cell phone spot. While I highly doubt this is what Kia had in mind (or maybe it’s exactly what they had in mind!) there was a spot in the center console absolutely perfect for my phone. It made it easy to grab, but the phone was also secure and wasn’t sliding around each time we took a turn or stepped on the brakes.
Backup Camera – the Rio I got to drive was (almost) fully loaded, so it came equipped with a backup camera. Usually, I think backup cameras are distracting and make it more (rather than less) dangerous to drive in reverse. The Kia’s backup camera was not only not distracting, it was actually helpful as well. It had a grid on it that made the image on the camera easy to look at. I always feel like the images on a backup camera are distorted, and this one was no different. However, because of the grid, it was much easier to figure out where you were in relation to other things shown by the camera, and was actually helpful – especially when trying to parallel park on my parent’s street.
Bluetooth with steering wheel controls. The car was equipped with bluetooth, which was extremely easy to pair with my phone, and the controls were both on the touch screen display or on the steering wheel itself. It made it super easy to use my phone without taking my eyes off the road.
Pretty dashboard. The Kia was just pretty. I liked the looks, and thought it was pretty gender neutral without being boring

Overall I really enjoyed driving the Rio. I was wildly impressed with the average mpg – which was close to 30 for the duration of our trip, especially since we were almost exclusively “city” driving. For as small as the car is, it was a pretty quiet drive, and it had some pretty decent power behind it. While the Rio may not be a fantastic option for us, that doesn’t mean I couldn’t see the value of both the brand, and the car itself given a different family situation. Two carseats were tight. But when our family was smaller, or if we didn’t have children at all I think the Rio would be a fantastic car. Even for a family of 4 (with 2 carseats!) the Rio is workable. It’s not ideal, but for a family on a budget it would absolutely work and get the job done!

I’m not sure who enjoyed this experience more; me, or my car crazed husband. In an effort to include him, I thought I’d let him tell everyone a little about what he thought about the Rio.

Having never been in a Kia I had some misconceptions and they were immediately dispelled when I got in the Rio. It was much nicer than I expected. I haven’t been in the market for a car that size recently, but I was pleasantly surprised. I loved the integrated bluetooth, I loved the folding mirrors, wasn’t crazy about the eco mode and I did notice a huge difference when using it. I think eco-mode just limits your revs to about 2500 so when you’re accelerating it just makes you a lot slower and makes it so you can’t waste as much gas. But, with eco-mode off, I was really surprised at how much zip that little car had. Overall, really nice, but I do wish that the Rio along with other manufacturers offered practical economical cars with all of those nice features (bluetooth, satellite radio, etc) and manual transmission because I think that would’ve made it a little more fun. But the Rio makes you realize that you don’t have to sacrifice style or amenities to get a car that is very practical.

Posted in excitement, reviews, sweet husband | 10 Comments

Not enough time

Posted on April 10, 2012 by measamommy

There just isn’t enough time for me to write about how much fun the kids, A, and I had this past week. We headed up to Baltimore to celebrate Easter with my family. This year, Mason REALLY got the whole Easter Bunny thing. He woke up Easter morning and the first words out of his mouth were “The Easter Bunny! He brought me a basket with presents!” Anyway, we are home and back to our regular busy schedules so I don’t have time to type up all of the stories I want to share – especially because I have a few really amazing products and services that I need to share with all of you too!! And yet, I know better than to leave you all in the dark – so here’s a quick photo dump of our past week

Mason loves cooking. With everyone… but especially Mom Rom

Easter Egg Hunt #1, with Uncle Paul. Usually, we all hunt for eggs on Easter, but since Uncle Paul is a big college kid now he had to go back to school on Sunday. So he got to search for his eggs a little early – and we thought we’d let Mason look too so he’d start to understand the concept. It only took Mason about 2 eggs before he was racing around the yard hunting for eggs and snatching them up before looking around for more.

As you can see, we take Easter Egg Hunts pretty seriously around here. Which is why my 20 year old brother (and my 32 year old husband…. and my 28 year old self) still participate

Finally, it was Easter and the kids found their baskets, dove right in, and emptied them before we headed off to Church (where there was another Easter Egg hunt that Mason tore up), then over to my Aunt E’s for our regular Easter Egg hunt, and family dinner.

On Monday, we headed back to Kiddie Crusoe with some of our old friends. It was a ton of fun, and I have lots of pictures, but my favorites are from when Mason and Audrey rode on the “roller coaster.”

Posted in awesome friends, cutest kid, family fun, holidays, toddlers | 1 Comment

Feeding the Zoo with #cbias

Posted on April 5, 2012 by measamommy

Lately, A has been working nights so we haven’t gotten much time in the evenings as a family. So yesterday, I thought it might be fun to treat the family to something fun. We headed out to Walmart and went shopping for a family movie and snacks.

I’ve been making some pretty elaborate dinners lately (more about that in a week or two) and so I wanted something light but yummy for dessert. We strolled around through the grocery section and a new product caught my eye – Del Monte fruit cups. I know fruit cups have been around for ever, but these particular ones were new – peaches in a sauce of cinnamon and brown sugar. It sounded pretty good. I liked the idea that it would be pretty sweet, but also wouldn’t be heavy and would have some (though limited) nutritional value Because I’m me… I also picked up some whipped cream to toss on top of it.

Then we headed over to the electronics section to scope out movies. I didn’t really know what to pick, but eventually landed on We Bought a Zoo. It just released yesterday and has some big names in it (Matt Damon and Scarlett Johanssen), but also seemed kid friendly. Since the movie was all about animals (at least that’s what I assumed!) I thought it would be fun to treat the animals to a special night too. The kids and I headed over to the pet department and I let the kids pick out treats for each of the pets. We also grabbed them some of their regular food – Meow Mix and Kibbles N Bits in new flavors as a surprise.

As I’m sure you’ve probably already guessed, we were at Walmart for awhile. I’m not complaining though – it’s one of my favorite stores. As I always do when at Walmart, I ended up buying more than just what I went for – which I’m also not complaining about.

You can see more pictures from our shopping trip and movie night in my Google+ story here.

The kids and I headed home, had dinner and fed the animals – who were both pretty happy about their new food but weren’t really interested in me in their face with my camera to snap a picture. After dinner the whole family headed upstairs. We got the kids ready for bed, had some dessert (a pretty big hit!) and turned on the movie. Even Liberty joined us for the movie. Ruca had gone outside, but she came in about halfway through and sat on my lap (by then the kids had gone to bed though!).

The movie is SUPER cute. I wasn’t really expecting to care as much as I did. It’s very difficult lately to find a movie the entire family can enjoy. Something that will hold the kid’s attention and also entertain A and I is hard to come by. We Bought a Zoo did. It had animals which kept Mason watching, but had an actual story and real people… which was a pleasant change from the constant stream of Curious George and Fresh Beat Band that are usually playing on the TV in this house. I felt a special kind of connection to the movie. When I was little, I always wanted to have a zoo. Now that I’m older? I still want to have a zoo. And a Matt Damon of my own wouldn’t be awful either We Bought a Zoo is a very touching story for the animal lover in you. It made me happy my furbabies were snuggling with me and A while we watched the movie – because I kept wanting to give them just a little extra love or an extra pet. It’s also a touching movie for the romantic in all of us. Without becoming your typical romance, the movie provides a sweet and touching story.

Want to copy our date night? I totally don’t mind… but be smart about it and grab some coupons first!! There’s a $0.50 off Del Monte fruit cups coupon in this month’s issue of First for Women Magazine. You can also save $4 off the movie We Bought a Zoo by purchasing any 2 Del Monte products. All of the products we purchased (except the generic whipped cream) were Del Monte – from the pet food to the human food!

This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias. #CBias

Posted in cutest kid, furbabies, shopping, sweet husband | Tagged Cat Food, Del Monte, Dog Food, Fruit Cups, Pet Treats, We Bought A Zoo | 8 Comments

Untitled

Posted on April 3, 2012 by measamommy

I had lots of ideas for titles of this post. But none of them really seemed appropriate. None of them made me feel like “yes, that’s what I want to attach to this post.” This post is about me. Not the kids. It’s about my struggle with PPD. It’s about how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. It’s hard to write about myself. Hard to put it out there and tell the World I have a problem. It’s something I’ve struggled with each time I’ve written about this, and this time that fear and struggle is manifesting in my inability to decide on a title. So you get nothing.

For a long time, I tried convincing myself that I was getting better. But I wasn’t. I so wanted to be better. I so wanted to go off meds, to stop therapy, and to just be my normal happy self again. I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal… but there were plenty of mornings where I woke up and my first thought was “crap, still alive.” I’ve always thought suicide was a selfish thing, and I never wanted to kill myself. I just wished something tragic would happen and I’d be put out of my misery. I don’t wake up like that anymore. There’s a huge difference in my mood and mental state.

Appointments with my psychiatrist came and went and we would adjust my meds and each time he’d ask if they were working. I’d never really know what to say. 80% of the time I felt like they were working, but the other 20% I was pretty much miserable. I didn’t know what that meant. I wasn’t expecting a magic pill that would put me into a state of euphoria where everyone was happy all the time… but I didn’t know if what I was feeling was normal. I didn’t know what was because of depression, and what was because I’m human and I have 2 young kids. He’s ask about sleep and I’d draw another blank. No, I wasn’t sleeping normally. I have 2 kids in my bed with me while my husband works nights. Both MUST be touching me or they wake up screaming. One of them would stay attached to my boob the entire night if I let her. So determining if my lack of sleep was due to medicine or due to my ridiculous sleeping arrangements was darn near impossible.

I’ve been on a new prescription for 2 months. Yesterday I finally decided that yes, it’s working. I knew it was working because the kids were having an especially trying day. A and I were in the car with them and both were screaming at the top of their lungs. A was aggravating me and he knew it. We were both on edge and I snapped at him about something silly. He asked if I had taken my medicine this morning. A question that usually makes me angry (am I really THAT awful that you can tell when I don’t take my happy pill?!?). It didn’t make me angry yesterday. Because the answer was no, I hadn’t. I forgot. Completely and totally forgot my medicine. Because yesterday I woke up and started my day. I didn’t think “ugh another day I have to power through” I wasn’t disappointed to be waking up instead of having died in my sleep. I was OK with things. I got up and started my day and never had any reminder of needing medicine until we had left the house. I know how terrible it is to forget to take your medicine. But the thing I really want to focus on is WHY I forgot to take my medicine.

I finally feel like myself again.

I forgot to take my pill because I feel like me. My medication is finally correct, and I can see and feel that it’s working. Yesterday wasn’t the first time I’ve forgotten to take my pill, it’s just the first time that I’ve been able to figure out why I forgot. Before this prescription I didn’t forget a pill a single day. I’d wake up in the morning and although I didn’t necessarily consciously think it, something was reminding me that I wasn’t me. Something reminded me to get up and take my pill every.single.morning. At the same time. I’d get out of bed and head for the medicine cabinet. I don’t do that anymore (though I probably should make a habit of it so I don’t forget) because I don’t have the constant weight of PPD resting on my shoulders. I don’t feel like I need my medicine so I don’t remember to take it. I don’t feel depressed so I forget that I am and I forget that I have to continue taking those meds to feel this way.

I may be medicated… but I’m me again. And that’s something.